I need hugs! Hit a wall today...

Not literally (hit a wall), but emotionally. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to have these babies, but the bottom line is that my body just does not handle pg well, and I am so done. I am tired of bedrest and contractions and heartburn and hip pain and pubic bone pain. I am tired of not being able to eat sweets when I crave them constantly. I am tired of injections and accu-checks and migraines and not sleeping and chronic pain and constipation. I am so sad every time my 2.5 yr old DS holds my face in his hands and says, "Mama? Happy? Anthony happy!" because he's not used to seeing me so bummed out all the time. I am tired of just feeling like crap all the time. And I still have so far to go.

A little background about my medical history - I was born with a genetic condition called Charcot-Marie-Tooth Syndrome, which is a sensory and motor neuropathy. Basically, your nerves have a lining around them called myelin, which acts like the plastic on electrical wire - it helps conduct electricity and protects the wire. Anyway, with CMT, the gene that codes for the protein that produces myelin is mutated, and the myelin around the nerves is in a constant state of breaking down and rebuilding. The result is that my nerves are often very demyelinated and don't properly conduct electrical impulses from my brain to my muscles and back. This causes muscle weakness, fatigue, and a tremendous amount of pain. Any kind of stress can aggravate it. I also have Restless Leg Syndrome, which can cause both irritation and pain in the legs.

Now, normally, I take Neurontin for the pain caused by this, but it's not considered safe during pregnancy. So throughout the pregnancy, I've had some pain, mostly in my legs. I have complained about it to my OB and peri, and they gave me some Vicodin. Unfortunately, the vicodin doesn't really take the pain away; it just relaxes me enough that I can rest some. But it wears off after about 3 hours, and since they didn't give me much, I would find myself watching the clock and rationing it so that I wouldn't run out "too soon," lest they think I'm a drug addict!! I was only taking it like once a day, but am in pain all the time.

Anyway, over the last week or so, the pain has gotten SO much worse, to the point that even Ambien doesn't allow me to sleep at night, and I am literally in tears every night. Pregnancy can aggravate the CMT, and I think that's what's happening. I ran out of Vicodin a few days ago, but hadn't called to request a refill (there weren't refills, and I was afraid to call b/c it had only been about 30 days since I got the last one filled). Last night was the worst; I was up all night, in tears, and nothing I did helped the pain - relaxing music, warm bath, hypnosis CD, prayer, etc. By this morning, I was a complete wreck, totally frustrated.

So I finally called my OB, in tears, and told her what was going on. I am SO glad I called. When I said, "I've been rationing the vicodin b/c I feel like a drug addict and it's not even really working," she said, "Oh, honey, you don't need to ration it; if you're in pain, I need to give you more medicine!" It was such a surprise and so refreshing to hear, compared to the response from most non-pain-management docs. The end result was that she will give me a prescription for something stronger at my next appt, like percocet or dilaudid, but they have to be on a triplicate prescription pad, so in the meantime, she was calling in a script for more vicodin for me to tide me over. So now I just have to wait for Darrell to get out of an appointment so he can go pick it up for me.

I felt so much better after talking to her, but I still just feel like I am so ready for this pg to be over (thought I definitely don't want the babies to come yet!). Thanks for letting me vent!