Poem and 19 week update

First, I wanted to share this poem. Someone posted it on the Pregnant After a Loss message board I visit.


A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

That made me cry!!! It really is a strange phenomenon, how I can still be so sad about the miscarriage and yet so incredibly happy about being pregnant again, all at the same time. But it goes to show you that a new baby or babies cannot replace one that you've lost, and you still have to grieve the child you've lost.

I had another OB appt today. Babies' heartrates are good, and my growth is good, though I haven't gained any more weight. What can I say - it's redistributing!! I did have some protein in my urine today, which is not good, but hopefully is just because I hadn't drank enough water this morning. They'll recheck that in 2 weeks. I've been having quite a few contractions, but she wasn't too concerned yet. As long as they stay under 6 an hour, I'm okay. At 6 in one hour, it's time to go to the hospital. My blood sugars have still been a bit erratic, even on the diabetic diet. I see the perinatologist again next Monday, so we'll see what he says. I may end up having to do insulin shots. Growing babies is hard work!!! And it looks like I'm going to continue to have weekly appts, alternating between my regular OB and the perinatologist. Fun fun!