At least, it feels like a tornado. Those of you who've been in one will understand what I mean. During a tornado, there are extremes - one minute the air feels warm, the next minute it feels cold; one minute, things feel totally calm and quiet, the next minute, there's chaos. That's sort of how my life feels right now. One minute, I feel pretty peaceful, I'm doing okay, I'm even able to laugh; the next, I'm falling apart because I remember how just 3 days ago I was thinking of baby names and looking at pregnancy magazines and looking forward to buying some cute maternity clothes for spring, now wondering if there's something wrong with my body and maybe I'll never be able to have another child.
I do have to say that everyone's prayers are working - I do feel that God is holding me right now, that He is comforting me and giving me strength and peace. Even when I am falling apart, crying, asking questions like, "Am I being punished for something?" or "Did I do something to cause this?" or "Is my husband going to feel like this is somehow my fault?" - even then, I do not feel alone.
Please keep on praying for us. I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow, for just 2 days before we leave for St. Louis for our Thanksgiving trip. I have no idea how it will be going back to work - it may be quite difficult, partly because everyone knew I was pregnant (I've already asked my boss to tell everyone we lost the baby so I don't have to say it a hundred times), but also because of the nature of my job - I'm talking to people whose loved ones are dying, helping them with their grief. That might be a big challenge at first, seeing as how I'm in the middle of an ocean of grief myself. I'm just going to try, but if it gets to be too overwhelming, I'll stop and try again the next day. I won't be much help to anyone if I burst into tears the minute they start sharing their grief with me!
I had an ultrasound yesterday afternoon. The tech said it looks like everything from the pregnancy did come out, so I shouldn't need a D&C. Beyond that, I know little, because the doctor's office was closed by the time I got home and realized the doctor had already called. The tech did mention that my uterus is tipped the wrong way - it's supposed to tilt up, but mine tilts down. She couldn't say whether or not that could contribute to a miscarriage or to the preterm labor I had with Anthony - put that on the list of questions for the doctor. I will call first thing when the office opens and hopefully at least talk to the doctor today, or maybe go in for an appointment. I'm also going to be good to myself today and go get my hair cut.
I want to thank all of you who have called to check on me - please keep calling. I may not have the energy to call you, but I do appreciate the phone calls and support.