A time for everything...

Ecclesiastes 3

1There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

In a few days, I am most likely going to have a REALLY exciting announcement to make here on my blog.  I mean, like SUPER DUPER exciting.  Something that hasn't been in the works for too long...but which, I promise, you will most certainly want to come back to read about!!  I can hardly contain my excitement about it - and really, I can hardly keep my mouth shut about it!!  I want to tell you NOW.  But I can't.  Really, I can't.  Not just yet.  But my stomach, oh my...it is rumbling with excitement.  I can hardly focus on anything else, and sleep?  That's out the window...I'm literally counting the hours until I can let you in on the big secret!

But.

There's always a but, isn't there?

All the while, as I am counting the hours toward this huge, exciting, wonderful thing that's about to happen in my own life, I have just learned of two other lives who have also been changed - tragically, horrifically, for the worse.  First, yesterday afternoon, I learned through the wonders of the internet - Twitter, to be more precise - that Paula Prass, an artist and fabric designer who I do not know personally, but whose work I adore, and who, thanks to the internet, I *feel* like I somewhat know, lost her son Jonathon.  I do not know the details, but I don't have to.  I "only" had a miscarriage, and I was devastated.  I was completely broken.  It will be 4 years this coming week, and I still remember the pain.  I cannot EVEN begin to imagine the horror of raising a child, watching him grow up, and then having him die.  The world just isn't supposed to work that way.  Parents aren't supposed to have to bury their children, at any age.  They just aren't.  And still, they do.  One of my very best friends buried her daughter at 6 months of age.  I can't imagine.  


Within an hour of learning of the death of Paula's son, I received more tragic news yesterday.  In the past, I have blogged quite a bit about my daughter Mackenzie's special needs, leading to her involvement with the Early Intervention program in our state.  We have been blessed - HUGELY blessed, to have had ONE teacher for the entire 2.5 years Mackenzie has been in the program.  Susan.  Dear Susan has, as I've said before, been a God-send to us.  Not only is she absolutely wonderful with Mackenzie and has done amazing work with her, but she is much, much more than a teacher to us.  She is a friend, and has become a part of our family.  While Mackenzie is the only one in the program, Susan has always worked with both twins, even though she doesn't get paid for that.  She even lets Anthony participate.  She lets me vent about whatever is going on with me.  She looks at my artwork and ooohs and aaahhhs and gives me pats on the back, and the encouragement I sometimes need to keep going.  She picks up cold medicine when I'm sick or the kids are sick and I can't get out of the house.  She has brought me soup when I was sick. She VERY often lets me leave while she's here, so I can have a little break from the kids.  She and her husband have even stayed with the kids so my husband and I could have a date night.

So, you see, Susan is not just Mackenzie's teacher - she truly, truly, is a dear friend, and a dear, sweet part of our family.  And yesterday afternoon, she was so broken that she couldn't even call me - she had to instant message me - to tell me that her father had died, suddenly and unexpectedly.  Her father, who raised her, because her mom had died of breast cancer when Susan was very young.  Her father, who was her best friend.  She couldn't even speak.  She is broken.  She is lost.  She feels guilty, though she has nothing to feel guilty about.  She blames herself, though there is no blame to be placed.  She knows now that when she has children, neither of her parents will be here to see them or hold them, to rock them to sleep or to help in those early days of night-feedings and frequent changings.  She's not even 30 years old.  And she feels orphaned.  My heart is breaking for her.  I have no words to comfort her...both of my parents are still living.  I don't know what it is like to lose a parent.  I don't know the grief she is feeling, but I know my friend, and I know pain, and I wish I could take it away for her.

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

I have such a mixture of emotions today...hope mixed with grief, joy mixed with pain, fear mixed with laughter.  It's sort of a strange place to be, because it leaves me feeling both unbelievably grateful, and yet somewhat guilty at the same time.

Please pray for these families.  They are hurting.  They will be hurting for a long time.  I thank God for His promise, though, that there IS a time for everything, and that "while weeping may last through the night, joy comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

And the winner is...

Thank you SO much to all who donated for the Tuesday Blog Party. I know it means so much to Jess and her family, and every little bit helps. I cannot imagine how broken my heart and my life would be if I were in her situation, and this is one small thing we can do towards fighting this awful cancer!

Now on to the winner! Chosen by the very random method of my 4-year old son pulling a name out of a bowl...the winner of the set of burp cloths is Beth!!!

Congratulations! Please email me at jenclark74 at gmail.com with your full name and address, so that I can ship them out to you right away! :)

For continued opportunities to give, check out this site!

The Tuesday Blog Party is here!!!

It's here!!!!! The Tuesday Blog Party starts TODAY and will run through May 12. Let's KNOCK OUT PEDIATRIC CANCER!!! No mom should have to face Mother's Day without her sweet baby. You can read my previous post to learn a bit more about Tuesday, or go to her mom's blog...her mama is so strong, but her story will break your heart.

Click on the graphic above to learn more about the blog party and to see all the other giveaways that are taking place. All you have to do in order to enter each giveaway is donate ONE DOLLAR per giveaway to the Tuesday Fiona Whitt Foundation via Paypal (you can make a single donation for the total amount covering all of the giveaways you are entering), then leave a comment on the blog doing the giveaway letting them know you've made the donation. When the blog party is over, each blog will randomly choose a winner.

My giveaway is a set of 3 adorable burp cloths, sewn by me. They are made from 100% cotton Gerber pre-folded cloth diapers and gorgeous 100% cotton Heather Bailey quilting fabric. The main print is a background of brown with beautiful greens, blues, yellows and a splash of red on it - and would be perfect for a baby boy or a girl! Any stylish mama would LOVE to have these!

Even if you're not pregnant or don't have a little one yourself, surely you have a friend who would love to be blessed with these pretties, or they would be a great baby shower gift! So click on the Paypal link here in this post, or over on my sidebar, make your ONE dollar donation, and then come back here and leave me a comment telling me how you heard about the Tuesday Blog Party and why you want these burp cloths!!

The giveaway will end at 11:59 pm Tuesday, May 12. Since Blogger doesn't require people to leave email addresses, and I don't want you to have to post your email addresses for all the world to see, check back here on Wednesday, May 13, and I will post the winner!

Thanks to all who entered; comments are now closed. However, you may still donate at any time!!

The Tuesday Blog Party is Coming!!!

If you've never heard of Tuesday Fiona Whitt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry because you've missed out on knowing an incredible little girl, and you've missed out on knowing an incredibly strong, amazing mama. And, I'm sorry...because her story will break your heart.

Tuesday was a twin. Piper's twin. Sweet, beautiful little girls. 14 months older than my twin girls. Last year, Tuesday was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, a terrible, evil kind of pediatric cancer. The least-funded kind of pediatric cancer. After an 8-month battle, which she seemed to be winning until the last couple weeks, she went to see Jesus on January 30, 2009.

This Mother's Day will be her mom Jess's first Mother's day without her sweet Tuesday. In honor of Tuesday, and to raise awareness and funds to fight this devastating disease, friends of Tuesday are holding a blog party all week, May 5 - 12. Lots of blogs...lots of giveaways...and all you'll have to do to enter to win each giveaway is donate ONE dollar to the Tuesday Fiona Whitt Foundation, via Paypal. (You can see the button over on the right side of my blog.) Not only will you be helping to raise awareness about and provide funding for the fight against this horrific cancer, but you will be helping to support other families broken by this disease. Families like Cora's family, Will's family, and Lukas' family.

I will be participating in the blog party by offering a giveaway of a set of 3 handmade stylish burp cloths. Check back next week for all the details on how to win the giveaway!!! If you would like to host your own giveaway and join in supporting the cause, click the "blog party" pic at the top of this post for more info.

Two years ago today

To the baby we lost...

Because of you, I am a better mama today.

Because of you, I hug my kiddos a little bit tighter and a little bit longer.

Because of you, I take more time out to enjoy the ordinary miracles every day.

Because of you, I take less for granted.

Because of you, I have two beautiful, precious daughters that would not otherwise be here.

Because of you, I am a more compassionate friend.

Because of you, I have a gentler spirit.

Because of you, I am more sensitive to others' hurting hearts.

Because of you, I have some precious friends in my life who might not otherwise have crossed my path.

Because of you, I share a knowing with other mamas who've experienced the same brokenness of this loss.

Because of you, I live more in gratitude and less in want.

Because of you, I know what it means to lean not on my own understanding.

Because of you, I know it is truth that His ways are not my ways, and that His plan is perfect.

Because of you, I know that His grace is sufficient, in every circumstance and in every need.

Light a candle

And I will light a candle for you,
to shatter all the darkness,
and bless the little time we knew.
Like a beacon in the night,
the flame will burn and lead us on our way.

Oh,

today, I light a candle for you.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7:00 p.m., in each time zone around the world, women from every culture and country lit candles in honor of the tiniest ones they have loved and lost. Most of you know that I had a miscarriage nearly 2 years ago, which devastated me. Even though I obviously now have two beautiful little miracles and I could not be more thankful or more blessed, nothing will ever replace the child I lost, and I do believe that when I one day reach heaven's gates, I will get to finally meet my fourth little one.

Keira, an amazing triplet mommy, is a grieving mother whose blog I visit regularly. One of her 25-weeker triplets, precious Zoe, lost her battle in February of this year. Keira and her family will be holding a candle-lighting ceremony this Saturday, October 18, in honor of Zoe and so many other babies, both born and unborn, who've gone to heaven too soon. If you would like Keira to light a candle for a little one you've lost, just send her an email with the information.

Odds and ends on a special day

Today, one year ago, we lost our baby, Shiloh, early in pregnancy. We had barely even had a chance to start making plans and thinking about our future with another child, when those plans and dreams and hopes were taken away from us. It's been a long year since then, with lots of sadness but also many, many blessings. We will never forget Shiloh, and I truly believe that we have another son or daughter waiting for us in heaven - what a day that will be when we get to meet him/her!!

And yet, if it were not for losing Shiloh, so many things today would not be as they are. I would not have many of the friends who are now such an important part of my life, whom I've met through my grief support group. I would not be the person I have grown into, more sensitve and more attuned to people's pain, even more appreciative of the miracle and gift my son is. And certainly, we would not be pregnant with our wonderful little girls right now!!!

This is just another example of how God works in our lives. He sees the big picture and knows what is best for us. We get only a tiny glimpse of the big picture, which is why the things that happen in our lives sometimes don't make sense to us. But what a relief it is to know that He does understand why everything happens, and that he has a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. It comforts me to know that we are not just floundering around aimlessly in this world and that our suffering is not for nothing. He takes these things and makes something beautiful out of them.

Give your kids an extra hug and kiss today and recognize the incredible little miracles that they are!!

Angel Tribute

This is a video tribute that one of the ladies on my Pregnant After a Loss message board put together to remember our angels that we have lost. One week from today will be one year since we lost our baby, Shiloh, and even though we are blessed to now be expecting twins, nothing can take away the hurt of losing a baby.

Late post - October 15th

Many of you may not know, but October 15th was international Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Women across the world lit candles at 7:00 p.m. in their local time zone, so that for 24 hours, candles were burning in remembrance all of the children who have died during pregnancy or infancy. I lit 3 candles for good measure!! Someone on one of my message boards posted this poem in honor that day - it's beautiful, and I wanted to pass it on.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Life is tough, but God is faithful!

I was at the bookstore the other day, looking for Christmas gifts, and I came across this book on the clearance table. It's called, "Life is tough, but God is faithful," by Sheila Walsh. I just finished the first chapter, and it is incredible. She talks about a cancer doctor's office she took a family member into, and there was a sign on the wall -

What Cancer Can't Do

Can't steal your memories.
Can't rob your joy.
Can't touch your eternity.
Can't remove you from God's care.
Can't stop you from loving and being loved.

I would say that you could substitute pretty much any heartbreak or hardship in there for "cancer."

She goes on to write, "This is the purpose of our lives. To learn to love God and to love one another. To let the light of Christ shine through the dark moments as well as in the glory days when everything is wonderful."

She also writes, "It is one thing to say that the Lord is my shepherd; it's quite something else to be unable to walk one more step by yourself, to lean on that staff, and to be held up. It's just as Job said, "My ears had heard of you before, but now my eyes have seen you." (Job 42:5)"

My new mantra -
Life is tough, but God is faithful.
Life is tough, but God is faithful.
Life is tough, but God is faithful.

Doctor's appointment

Well, today was a rough one. Yesterday was actually really good - I even made it through the ENTIRE day without crying one time! But today was a different story. I had a hard time getting around for work, and then found myself crying in between every visit all day. I was driving to Manor Care to see some patients, and could not stop crying; had to pull myself together b/c I haven't seen enough patients this week and won't meet my productivity requirement if I didn't step it up today. I didn't even stop in to say hi to my friends working in our inpatient unit at Manor Care, because I knew I would just burst into tears as soon as they asked me how I was doing! I know it was because I was having my 2-week f/u appt with my OB/GYN this afternoon, but still I couldn't stop crying. Ugh!

I felt much better after the appointment. Dr. Bernard took a lot of time with me, answered my questions, spent a lot of time discussing my concerns, etc. Not once did I feel like he was rushing me or didn't have time for me. After talking about my medical history and everything, he felt convinced that I have something called Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is sort of a complicated problem. It affects a lot of things, but mostly all of the various hormones in our bodies. One of the main problems is it causes insulin resistance, which in turn can lead to an excess of male hormones in the body, which can prevent ovulation. Obviously this contributes to difficulty getting pregnant. But more importantly, the insulin resistance can lead to obesity, high cholesterol (both of which I already have), diabetes, and heart disease. So it's important to treat it. He started me on Glucophage (aka metformin), and said that quite often, this medicine alone is enough to straighten out the hormones and may regulate my cycle. It is a medication that helps control insulin and blood sugar. As a side benefit, with healthy eating and excercise, he said it may also help me lose weight. That would be wonderful!

If after a month or two on the medication, if my cycle is still not regular and I'm still not ovulating, he will start me on Clomid, which is supposed to help with ovulation. We are not supposed to start trying to conceive again until February at the earliest. I go back to see him on February 28. I felt really good about his plan for us, and I feel like he's committed to helping us get pregnant again and will do everything possible to make it a good pregnancy when it does happen.

I listened to a song today that helped get me through - here are the words:

I call, you hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on,
But I feel like giving in
But still you're with me

And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand
Of Him whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But you alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But you said you'd see me through the storm


******************************
I do believe that - He is all the strength I will ever need. His grace is sufficient for me.

First day back

Well, today was my first day back at work, after having been off for 2 weeks. It was not easy, but I survived. Things were pretty slow while I was gone, apparently, so I didn't get slammed with a lot of new patients, which was very nice. I was able to see a few patients, then spend some time getting my paperwork organized so I don't feel so frazzled and scattered. I have great co-workers who are very supportive, but sometimes it's almost harder when everyone keeps coming up and asking how you're doing. I mostly answered "I'm hanging in there," which is true, because I didn't want to lie and say "I'm fine" or "I'm good," yet I didn't want to fall apart either! I was exhausted after only a few hours, though, and I forget that my body hasn't completely recovered yet. I'll be glad when I get clearance from the doctor to start exercising again - walking in the mornings was really helping my energy level, and the Pilates was helping my back pain. I have my appointment with him on Wednesday, so hopefully he'll give me the green light.

I made a CD yesterday of songs about loss and grief. I included the song my sister gave us. It's really amazing how comforting music can be when it says exactly what you feel deep in your soul. I decided to make an extra copy to include in the scrapbook layout I will eventually make about the miscarriage.

Anthony's getting tired and cranky - time for bed!

Glory Baby

Tonight I'm having a rough time, feeling very sad. I've been listening to some music and reading some reflections from other women about miscarriage. I know that I just have to go through this grief, that it's the only way to get to the other side of this, if there is such a thing, but sometimes I get tired of blowing my nose. It's amazing how quickly the body can heal itself, yet how slowly the heart heals. When we were in St. Louis, my sister Karen gave us a homemade CD, and on the cover is some scripture, Psalm 139, which talks about how we were knit together in our mother's wombs. She told me the CD had only one song on it, and that it might make us cry. I just finally got up the nerve to listen to it, and of course, it's making me cry. Here are the lyrics:

Glory Baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say "baby, baby"
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us, baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do,
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

Chorus:
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby, let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we are stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

Chorus

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

Chorus

Update

I had my surgery last night. The anesthesiologist did a great job - I stayed asleep throughout the procedure (a normal expectation, but I have woken up twice in my life while under anesthesia), I woke up fairly easily afterwards (without cussing anyone out - again, history), and did not puke (a minor miracle in and of itself). The best part is that the surgery worked - I am having much less pain now, and the bleeding has slowed significantly. I am groggy today, and still cramping mildly, but it is nothing compared to the pain I had yesterday.

The hardest part physically now is that I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than 8 pounds for 2 entire weeks. That means I can't even lift Anthony to put him in the car, so I won't be able to take him to and from daycare the week after Thanksgiving, which will put a lot of strain on Darrell, as his work schedule is much more hectic than mine. And Anthony doesn't understand why mommy can't lift him up onto the bed when he wants to get up with me, which breaks my heart.

The doctor gave me the okay to fly tomorrow, as long as the bleeding is not too heavy, which it's not. Thank goodness for that! We need this trip more than ever right now. It will be so great just to get away and relax with family.

Thanks everyone for your continued prayers and support. Pray for safe and stress-free travelling tomorrow. Our flight leaves from Ontario at a bright 6:40 a.m., so we have to leave the house between 3 and 3:30 a.m. Ugh!

Surgery

Well, I had my appointment with Dr. Bernard. He confirmed what I already knew in my gut - I need to have a D&C tonight. I don't know for sure yet what time, as the scheduler was out to lunch, so I'll get a call in a little while. It should be a short procedure, just in and out, and then I should be able to leave the hospital after about an hour. He sees no reason why I shouldn't be fine to fly on Friday, thank goodness. Pray that all goes well!

Medical bureacra-zy

Well, as if it isn't emotionally difficult enough to handle a miscarriage, the medical system here really does everything it can to make the physical part harder as well. Monday morning, first thing, I called my doctor's office to tell them I miscarried the night before. The lady said, "Okay?" and then was quiet, as if to say, "And?" I told her I wanted to see the doctor for an exam. She did not offer an appointment, but said she would take a message for the doctor. After 2.5 hours and nothing, when my cramps started becoming worse (in spite of the 800 mg ibuprofen I was already taking every 4 hours), I called back and talked to the nurse, who told me it was normal and that I could take ibuprofen. Didn't I just tell her what I was already taking? She offered to talk to the doctor and call me back, which she did, and asked for someone else. I told her I was the one who called, at which point she realized she had been given the wrong person's chart, so she wasn't even looking at my chart. She put me on hold, then came back and said the doctor wanted me to go for a "STAT" ultrasound - meaning urgent. That was at 10:30 a.m. She told me the radiology place would call me to tell me when and where to go. At 2:30 p.m., they finally called and said to be there at 3:30 and to drink 48 oz of water before I went and then hold my bladder. I got there, and of course they didn't call me in until 4:05, so I had to let the edge off my bladder 3 times just to survive.

So I had the u/s, and the tech said it all looked good as far as the miscarriage, that it didn't look like there was any tissue left behind (which would require a D&C - surgery where they go in and scrape the inside of the uterus). She faxed a handwritten report to my doctor's office before I left. I called the doctor's office, this being around 4:45 p.m., to make sure they received the report, knowing their office closes at 5 p.m. The lady told me they got the report, it was sitting on the doctor's desk, but he was still seeing patients, so he would call me later. By the time I got home, the doctor had called my home phone and left a message, not saying the results, but I couldn't call back because the office was closed and the phones were already turned off.

So that evening (Monday) I started to run just a low-grade temp, never went higher than 100.6, but considering I was taking ibuprofen regularly, it concerned me a bit. Plus, I was still having significant cramping. By Tuesday morning, the cramps were getting really bad. So first thing Tuesday morning, I called the doctor's office and reported the increasing pain and the low grade temp, and again requested to be seen. She told me the doctor was in surgery all day and was unavailable all day, so if I wanted to be seen, I would just have to go to the emergency room. She didn't even offer to let me talk to the nurse, let alone offer to page the doctor and ask him what to do.

By this point, I'm bawling my eyes out. I was in so much pain, and I was so frustrated I just felt like throwing my hands up in the air. I did NOT want to go sit in an ER waiting room for hours while I'm in pain and hysterically crying. I wanted to call Darrell, but he was in court in the morning, and I felt bad interrupting him, so I didn't. So I called my insurance company, Kaiser, to see if perhaps I could get in to see my primary care physician (whom I still haven't ever met). They wanted me to see an OB/GYN, so they insisted I call around to some other OB offices to see if anyone could see me. Of course, they all said no, because I was Dr. Bernard's patient and they didn't want to get involved. At this point I called my boss, who's an RN, to get her advice. She really wanted me to go to the ER, but I really didn't want to. So I called Kaiser back to see if I could just go to Urgent Care, and they gave me an appointment at their Indio office with a family practitioner.

Thank God they did that. First of all, the guy was so kind and compassionate. He took a LOT of time with me, listened to my whole story - incredulous that I was having such a hard time just getting to see a doctor. He did a complete pelvic exam, and thank goodness he did, because there was still some tissue hanging out in there (sorry if TMI), which he was able to pull out with a long utencil. He took cultures, too, because he felt strongly that I was already starting to get an infection because of the tissue having stayed in there for a couple days after the miscarriage. He said the pain and low grade fever were caused by the infection. So he started me on Augmentin and gave me some Vicodin for the pain, but told me if my fever went over 101, I would need to go to the ER and probably get admitted for IV antibiotics and a D&C. He also said he wanted me to f/u with the OB.

So I called the OB's office again, told them what the other doctor did and said, and the magically offered me an appointment for 11:30 a.m. today. Unfortunately, this morning upon waking, I was in so much pain I could hardly walk or stand up straight. I took my vicodin and ibuprofen, and thank goodness it has kicked in; the pain isn't gone, but I can stand it now. Otherwise, I would've had to give in and go to the ER. So now I'm just waiting for my appointment, and we'll go from there. My gut tells me they may really need to do a D&C, because the cramping is so bad that there must still be some tissue left. My fever is completely gone, so I don't think it's the infection getting worse.

Anyway, thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts. I'm gonna go lay down!

The tornado that is my life

At least, it feels like a tornado. Those of you who've been in one will understand what I mean. During a tornado, there are extremes - one minute the air feels warm, the next minute it feels cold; one minute, things feel totally calm and quiet, the next minute, there's chaos. That's sort of how my life feels right now. One minute, I feel pretty peaceful, I'm doing okay, I'm even able to laugh; the next, I'm falling apart because I remember how just 3 days ago I was thinking of baby names and looking at pregnancy magazines and looking forward to buying some cute maternity clothes for spring, now wondering if there's something wrong with my body and maybe I'll never be able to have another child.

I do have to say that everyone's prayers are working - I do feel that God is holding me right now, that He is comforting me and giving me strength and peace. Even when I am falling apart, crying, asking questions like, "Am I being punished for something?" or "Did I do something to cause this?" or "Is my husband going to feel like this is somehow my fault?" - even then, I do not feel alone.

Please keep on praying for us. I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow, for just 2 days before we leave for St. Louis for our Thanksgiving trip. I have no idea how it will be going back to work - it may be quite difficult, partly because everyone knew I was pregnant (I've already asked my boss to tell everyone we lost the baby so I don't have to say it a hundred times), but also because of the nature of my job - I'm talking to people whose loved ones are dying, helping them with their grief. That might be a big challenge at first, seeing as how I'm in the middle of an ocean of grief myself. I'm just going to try, but if it gets to be too overwhelming, I'll stop and try again the next day. I won't be much help to anyone if I burst into tears the minute they start sharing their grief with me!

I had an ultrasound yesterday afternoon. The tech said it looks like everything from the pregnancy did come out, so I shouldn't need a D&C. Beyond that, I know little, because the doctor's office was closed by the time I got home and realized the doctor had already called. The tech did mention that my uterus is tipped the wrong way - it's supposed to tilt up, but mine tilts down. She couldn't say whether or not that could contribute to a miscarriage or to the preterm labor I had with Anthony - put that on the list of questions for the doctor. I will call first thing when the office opens and hopefully at least talk to the doctor today, or maybe go in for an appointment. I'm also going to be good to myself today and go get my hair cut.

I want to thank all of you who have called to check on me - please keep calling. I may not have the energy to call you, but I do appreciate the phone calls and support.

Broken

I miscarried our baby earlier tonight - around 6:30 p.m. on Nov. 12. I don't think I have ever felt so broken in my entire life. I can't stop crying. I can't believe it's real. I can't believe it's only been 2 weeks since we learned I was pregnant, and I am amazed that I could get so attached in such a short period of time, that I feel this much grief. It's as though there is this well of grief inside me that has no bottom. I am glad it happened on the 12th, instead of the 13th on my birthday, but I'm not sure it really makes any difference in the long run. Please pray for peace and comfort.

Prayers needed

Pray for us...I am pretty sure I am having a miscarriage tonight. I have been spotting all day, and talked to the doctor earlier. Tonight it's gotten much worse, along with cramping. We are completely heartbroken. I have been begging God all day to save this baby, but if it's not meant to be, then we just need a lot of comfort and peace.